I can count on one hand the number of times I've been truly afraid in my life.

The first was March 2020, when Covid hit, and I went into the grocery store to find the shelves empty. That's when it really hits you, those who have the means will take everything for themselves and not think twice about leaving for others.

The second time was Saturday, May 27, 2023. I had my MRIs on Friday, and woke up as normal, sitting drinking my morning coffee when I get an email saying the MRI results are ready for review.

I click through and scan the page looking for anything of importance, and what jumps out at me is the note at the bottom of the page "Code Orange."

I quickly google it, but before I can get any meaningful results, the phone rings...it's my primary care doctors office.

I answer, and they go through the motions of verifying who I am, and then tell me to go to the emergency room, there will be a neurologist waiting for me.

Trying to keep composed so I don't scare my family, but internally, I'm scared shitless.

What does this mean for me? What does it mean for my family? Am I going to be okay?

Anything and everything are going through my mind.

Third time I've been afraid is now.

I've lived with this diagnosis for 11 months, and I've seen the changes in how I'm treated by others.

Some people hear I have MS, and suddenly their internal bias kicks in. They see people with MS as no longer capable, crippled, slow, confused, and not what they want working for them.

I've seen it firsthand. I've endured the results of the bias.

It gets to the point where nothing I do is seen as good enough.

It takes a toll on me. It scares me. It makes me wonder what the future holds.

And, it also drives me.

Yes, it means I must work harder than others to be seen as capable. Things I never had to do before.

It means I must over communicate to prove my worth, something I never had to do before.

It means I must set extremely high expectations for what I can accomplish, and then exceed them.

Anything less, and the bias will kick in, and I'll be seen as a crippled MS patient.

It's not the future I expected, but it's what in front of me...

And to survive it, I need to be better than those around me to show the only impact MS has is making me stronger and more resilient than everyone else.